Project Love ~ Day ? September 2, 2009

I’m losing track of the days, I think it’s been at least a week since I’ve blogged.   But it is every day, all day that I think about Love, connect and observe the funny little ways that we humans are in relationship with love.  Just this morning I caught myself indulging some judgmental thought regarding the way my husband does something.  I say indulge because it started in the house (where the wrong-doing was taking place!) and it wasn’t until I was at University Ave. that I even realized I had myself headed down the hole.  In that moment of time I realized something.

I realized that I was perfectly comfortable in my indulgent trip.  I mean, it wasn’t uncomfortable, it wasn’t nearly as good as being connected to love and Source (which by the way there isn’t room in the same breath for judgement and love, it’s one or the other), but it wasn’t “uncomfortable”.  It felt like an old habit, like a well-worn shoe that I’m extremely hesitant to throw away because what if I NEVER find another she that comfortable?

Then I remembered that yesterday I was talking with Lesly (the office manage in my acupuncture practice) and we were talking about the 29yr. old woman who was kidnapped 18yrs. ago and held captive in tents in the backyard of her captor, bearing him two children, and not really trying to escape.  News reports that in these kind of circumstances a kidnappee “bonds” with their kidnapper.   So, we were talking about how that happens, Lesly and I.  It’s sort of tough to imagine.  And this morning I realized, that it’s no different than what I had going on in my indulgent trip.  It’s a human thing.  We get used to, and therefore, comfortable with what we do over and over.  It doesn’t mean it’s serving, but it does feel comfortable.  It takes work to practice holding different energy.   It’s hard to part with our comfortable shoes.  But admittadly, the new ones are usually just as good, if not better.

I surmise that the only reason we hold ourselves apart of Source/Love is because we haven’t practiced it as much as all the other stuff, thus, it’s not as comfortable.  We seek comfort as humans.  Only when we’re forced for some reason to change does a new track of comfort get laid.   Pretty soon, that feels comfortable, and we might even say, “oh that’s not so bad!”  Even though we went in practically kicking and screaming.

I have no idea if that’s what happened in the case of the kidnapped girl.  But yesterday, I couldn’t understand it and today, I have more of a glimpse of understanding.  We just can’t give up on the practice.  We can’t give up because nothing else means as much as Love.  Note to Self:  Remember Love

Project Love ~ Days 10-13 August 23, 2009

I love these words in a song by Jan Phillips….”Like waves and the water.  So I am to you love and you are to me.  We dwell in each other like salt and the sea”.

There is no such thing as desalination when it comes to love.  We could NEVER empty the sea of all it’s salt.  Impossible.  The salt will always be there.  Love will always be here.  How very liberating that I need not question that.  That alone induces deep peace and stillness.  If all things are about opposites, the Yin and Yang, then this passive part of love is yin.   Meaning that love dwells in me and I in it, and that just is, is passive.  Yin is passive.  Yang is active.  The active, or yang, part of love is what this blog is exploring.

It must be that each of us have the free will to explore the ways in which we can animate love in our moments.  And when we don’t animate love, I imagine love remains passive.  What a waste.

I tend to play along more willingly in life when things seem fun to me.  Thus, it’s playful for me to include in my morning prayers and intentions that I intend to find the “sweet spot” in everyone I cross paths with this day.  The sweet spot for me is Love, that place in each of us where love lives.  I’d like to connect with that in those I meet throughout my day.  Hum.  It doesn’t always go well.  Sometimes I’m only noticing sour.  Hard to find the sweet through the sour.  Not sure what to do about that yet except to keep practicing.

My focus on looking, in and of itself, has me finding the sweet spot more often than if I were paying no attention.  There is something the Chinese classics say which is, “Qi follows the mind”.  As far as I can tell, most all philosophies have some version of that.  Where I place my attention is where the energy is.  Like attracts like.  What we sow we reap.

I know this to be true in my own life thus, any intention or focus will, by laws of energy, lead me in that direction.  That’s the whole point in focusing on love.  When I do that I’m facing the direction of love.  When I do that on a regular basis, it grows.  Love grows.  Growing and animating love feels infinitely more serving than sowing the seeds of lesser energies.  Note to self:  remember love.

Project Love ~ Day 9 August 19, 2009

I’ve been really watching the difference between flow and resistance.  Flow is one way of saying aligned or connected or in the zone.  In flow, Love is available, there is no kink in the hose, so to speak.  But resistance, that’s a whole other story.  Resistance kinks the hose at lightening speed.  How often I indulge resistance throughout my day is mind-blowing.  And every time, that kink, that energy of resistance kicks me out of alignment (imagine being thrown out of a fast moving car, hitting the pavement, and rolling, tumbling, scraping until you finally come to a stop) how many times can one go through that before breaking and scraping almost everything?  Apparently, we’re pretty resilient, because I do it way too much and I’m still walking around….amazing.  The whole thing renders me unable to access any hint of love.

It’s becoming blindingly clear that the list is long, all the things, big and small, that I resist.  I’m both shocked and entertained as I watch the things on this list creep in all day long.  Tugging at me like a spoiled child on mom’s apron strings.  Screaming loudly for my attention, seemingly only satisfied when I’ve kinked my hose and resisted fully.

And yet, there is always at the crossroads another option.  In the split second, at the crossroad, I can either take the path of resistance, OR I can take the path of flow.  As far as I can see, every time that is an option.  Every moment offers this choice.  It is life’s gift.  I either take it or leave it.  The gift of flow.

My practice is first noticing that there is a crossroads in a split second of time.  Second, figuring out how to notice it before heading down the path of resistance, or at least backtracking if caught late.  Third, practicing ways to hold the space open long enough to be able to choose flow. And lastly, continuing to choose flow, moment after moment because love lives here.

I hear that the easier it gets, the easier it gets.  The opposite is also true, the harder it gets, the harder it gets.  Everything has an opposite, life gives us the gift of choice every moment.

I feel like I’m on different points on the path depending on the subject.  I’ve gotten myself into a fairly deep grove on the path of resistance regarding a variety of subjects….customer service people, people who are rude, violence, certain aspects of money, certain aspects of health, opinions in direct opposition of mine, people who come across as “entitled” or “lazy”, deceptive business practices, people who chew with their mouth wide open…I’ll stop now.

The point is, I have no access to love until I figure out how to shift from resistance to flow on all these subjects.  Thankfully, I’ve got the rest of my life, however long that is.  Just gotta keep reminding myself to practice.  Note to self:  Remember love.

Project Love ~ Day 8 August 18, 2009

What matters most…..Friends and family that call, text and e-mail letting us know they’re thinking of us and have us in their prayers.  Doctors that truly care and listen and answer important questions on my mind.   When my husband told me that he’s “reconnected” to his Source after a short side-trip. The precious look on Sasha’s face when I walked in to the hospital room this morning to spend time with her, hopefully to get her to eat in order to avoid a feeding tube (which she did…eat, thank God!!)  She’s hobbling around dragging her IV (which was attached to her hind leg) just looking for some normalcy after a night in the hospital (she’s never been away from home in 12yrs. for a night, not even sleep away camp!   Cuddling in my lap, my depth of gratitude that she’s coming back to life and will live a normal, healthy and hopefully very long life was profound.  A kind word, a smile, whether I feel like it or not.

What matters less….How slow the car is driving in front of me when “I’m in a hurry”, whether or not I have dressing on my salad or not (I forgot it today , if someone is 10mins. late, who does or doesn’t sponsor Glenn Beck, whether iPhone or Blackberry rules, whether it takes 4hrs. for the sun to come out, that I only got 4hrs. of sleep, who wins the Super Bowl (sorry football fans , and whether or not I ever lose the 8lbs. I can’t seem to shed.

It all matters ONLY if I bring Love along…Note to self: Remember Love.

Project Love ~ Days 6/7 August 18, 2009

Whew, what a few days it’s been.  Spent the weekend packing and unpacking for David’s mom as we moved her to a different apartment in her independent living facility.  She really should be in an assisted living setting but where she’s at currently doesn’t have assisted living and David is doing his best to honor her wishes.  She doesn’t want to have to change so drastically and get to know a whole new place and new people.  I don’t blame her, I observe how it’s more difficult to “change” as we age.  Didn’t used to understand that, but as I spend time with Steffi (David’s mom) I watch how and why it’s hard to change.  It’s quite the feat to just get through the day when one is in pain and on a variety of medications.  Not to mention all the day-to-day things that need tending to.  Having things familiar and known are what make that possible.   We’ll see how she does over the next months and trust that the right decisions will appear in the right time.

To top that off, our beloved cat Sasha has been diagnosed with a serious liver/pancreas disorder.  Taking her into the hospital now for an ultrasound and stomach feeding as she’s gotten sickly thin.  She hasn’t eaten in two weeks.  After the first week (she nibbled the first week and didn’t seem in pain or distressed), it was clear  that something was not right, took her in, had bloodwork done and just heard from the Dr. this morning.  We’ll be seeing an internist and hopefully it is treatable?  More later….

Great internist, Dr. Ford @ VCA, she was on it and quite compassionate as well.  More likely than not, Sasha’s condition is treatable (after several thousand dollars!), but she’ll be in the hospital over night and I’ll know more when I talk with the doctor this evening after she has run several tests.  I appreciate all the prayers and thoughts already coming in.

I did a little energy healing and we’ll hope for the highest good to prevail.  Regarding love…I noticed today that it’s easier to access love when feeling vulnerable.  There is something soft and open and available when I feel vulnerable.  I’m staying very attuned that soft spot.  Note to self:  remember love.

Wanted to share a most delicious poem….

The sacred is not in the sky, the place of transcendent, abstract principle, but rather is based on this earth, in the ordinary dwelling places of our lives, in our gardens and kitchens and bedrooms. And it is no less present in our places of protest, the streets and public halls and institutions where we express our outrage at the reckless squandering of the life that is one. The sacred is fueled by eros, by desire. It is about passion. And compassion. And love. Always love. Love over and over and over again, love.

Marilyn Sewell, Cries of the Spirit

Project Love ~ Day 4/5 August 15, 2009

Thinking about conditional and unconditional love.  It’s easier to access unconditional love when I feel good.  To me, unconditional love means that I maintain my center or alignment with Source no matter what.  Thus, I come from a place of love.  Conditional love means to me that when I am off-center, and am bothered by things or people around me, I place conditions on how things should be before I’m willing to be loving.  In truth, it’s never about them. It’s always about whether I’m tending to my alignment or not.  And loving unconditionally isn’t about anyone or anything else either.  I’m either choosing to center myself in love or not.  I’ve begun meditating on the intention that I maintain my powerful alignment with Source, no matter what someone else is doing or not doing.  That feels like unconditional love to me.  I’d prefer to never “need” anyone to be a certain way in order for me to stay aligned because that feels conditional to me.

It’s easier to be loving when I feel good.  Yet, there are days when I’m tired, when it seems like I just don’t have enough energy to muster out of me loving thoughts and words, let alone actions.  It’s definitely easier to be loving when I feel good, yet the older I get the more I notice that how I feel any given day might be a crap shoot!  So basically I’m saying that opting out of the most important thing in life because I’m tired is a bad plan.

In essence, I’m asking Love, the energy of the Universe, the highest vibration there is to understand that I can’t be bothered if I have a bad nights sleep, if I’m bloated, if it’s not sunny out, if I’m not looking forward to something fun, if my hormones feel like they’re on the spin cycle, if someone does or says something incredibly annoying, or if I just plain forget.  Hum.   Definitely something not right there.

The current is strong, the pull is almost irresistible, when I don’t feel on top of my game, to unplug and go on automatic pilot, leaving any hint of alignment behind.  That recipe of auto-pilot usually includes any number of ingredients like impatience, judgment of myself and others, irritability, and wanting my way, much like a spoiled brat.

The other thing that’s interesting is either choice (alignment or not) creates it’s own momentum.  It’s a good momentum if I’m aligned, it sucks if I’m not.  The practice is about setting forth, tending to, and maintaining an aligned momentum more often than not.  Got it.  It’s all about practice.  Life is very generous to offer moment after moment of opportunities to practice.   Note to self:  remember love.

Project Love ~ Day 3 August 13, 2009

I am realizing that I have all these little “reminders” about love strewn amid my life.  My teacup says LOVE on it.  I have this cool, colorful sign in my bathroom that says, “We are shaped and fashioned by what we lov,e” a note on my computer, I even have a tattoo below my belly button that is the Chinese character of love.  I’m not sayin’ any of this is bad, but something opened up in me when I began to think about these things….something that gently led me to remember that it’s the love that I cultivate internally that is true, the outer nudges are simply reminders to tend to the inner.  Oh yes, that makes sense, I get that.  I’ve been doing that all my life I note.  I’ve been putting more emphasis on all the things I love that are outside of me…..my husband, sisters, friends, my cat, tea, nature, art, books, the list is quite long, no need to bore you.  The point is that I’ve gotten good at loving many things or experiences or people.  Not that that is bad, I don’t believe it is at all.  I’ve just realized that I’ve missed the most important thing to get good at….growing the natural, whole, has-always-been-there-awaiting-my-attention/cultivation love inside. Growing it to be so full and deep and solid that it would never matter if I didn’t get my tea every morning.  I can tell you as of today, it would matter if I didn’t get my green tea every morning, it would cause me to feel deprived and thus, have less access to love.  And if I couldn’t see beauty every day, it feels like I would wither.   And if I couldn’t love my husband, sisters, friends, and cat daily, it feels like I would die.  It’s the internal that is eternal.

I’m clear that shaping and fashioning myself by what I love is a good thing.  I’m getting clearer that doing that atop or amid a full, deep, solid and unshakable core of love makes all the outer experiences of love even richer.  I’m noticing that without cultivating this inner core of love, all the outer experiences of love are fleeting and can go away leaving a feeling of fear or empty nothingness.  There is never nothingness inside a solid core of love I’m gently reminded.  Ok, that’s good to know, cultivate I will.   Note to self:  remember love.

Project Love ~ Day 2 August 12, 2009

I feel inclined to be more specific about what I mean by “love”.  Of course, we all have our own version of warm fuzzies when we think of the word love.  For some it could be romantic, for others it may be their children or a pet or an experience.  For me, love is the word that defines my being centered or aligned in truth, or aligned with Source or the Divine.  In taking on this “Project Love”, I’m looking for the ways to expand that alignment into more and more of my moments.  Because, when I am in this alignment….my life works really well.  It flows, some call it being in the zone.  I never truly care what I, or anyone else calls it.   I know it’s just about using these words to describe an experience that is beyond words.  Thus, it’ll be about noticing or observing all the ways in which I choose to leave that alignment for one reason or another (looks like I’ll need much longer than a year!) and practicing myself, via choice, back into alignment.  Ah!

For the countless (literally countless) times I’ve woven in and out of alignment, I’m starting to get a sense of what yanks me out and how to re-align with more grace.  I’ve also given up thinking that I’ll be able to stay aligned all day, every day, forever and ever.  I understand now that being a human being on this planet of polarity doesn’t allow constant alignment.  It’s the very contrast between being out of alignment and then finding alignment again that causes my being to expand.  I am convinced though, that I can be more conscious and get better and better at learning from the out-of-alignment-experiences, as well as, finding alignment with less struggle and suffering.  That’s reasonable.  Being in alignment all the time probably isn’t.

I’m choosing to call being consciously aligned with the Source of all that is, and everything that occurs as a result of this alignment:  “Love”.  We can call it Love, Qi, Life Force, God, Divine, Source, it all ends up being the same stuff.   And it’s the stuff we all yearn for but aren’t quite sure how to access in daily life by choice.   Let’s explore.

It’s unbelievable how quickly I can get off track.  I can start my day off with the juciest of alignments and in a moments time get spun right out into the dust (let’s say dust is NOT alignment)  Every moment is a cross-road.  Every moment is literally a choice-point.  I can either collapse into any number of habits (which surely doesn’t support alignment/love) for example judgement.  I’m so habituated to judging any number of things.  What someone says or doesn’t say, what someone does or doesn’t do.

Just last night I realized after several hours that I had this insidious little judgment about a choice someone was making (I feel a bit gun-shy to mention names as they might read this!!).  It was insidious because it crept in without me knowing it, took on a life of it’s own, and I didn’t even realize it until hours later.  Who the hell cares what someone else’s choice is, it’s their life!  Just because something works for me and I share it with someone else (thinking they SHOULD do it too because it works for me) and then when they don’t bite, I can instantly take myself down the path of judgment.  Not serving.  It’s none of my business what people choose or don’t choose for themselves.  Just because I want them to benefit like I am from something doesn’t mean diddly squat (as my mother says).  And when I allow that judgment to muck up my alignment, I’ve just made a choice that doesn’t support alignment or love.  For no other reason than that alignment or love is more serving than judgment for me and my beingness.  Period.  I can’t really argue with that, I can only practice as often as I remember to.  Remember Love.

Project Love ~ Day 1 August 11, 2009

Today’s entry is the “set-up”, the outline for what I’m doing and why.  The “what” is a daily blog post that depicts my experience in finding love in as many moments as possible.

My intention is to find the “sweet spots” in life.  To stay powerfully aligned with Source, no matter what another is doing or not doing, and no matter what is happening in the “outside” world.

My dominant intent is to stay aligned inside of myself so that what happens outside, affects me less.  I know that in doing so, I am more inspired, have more access to what to say and do.  I can see solutions much easier and generally feel SO much better being in the world.   I figured that if I dedicated a year to doing this, it would become such a good “habit” that I could easily carry it forward through the remainder of my life.  I also figured that I’d begin on my birthday (only because that was the next best “marking” point coming up, but it’s also a wonderful birthday gift to gift myself

The “why” is simple and not simple at the same time.  Let’s do simple first:  simply put, Love is the only thing that matters.  All the other things that we make matter more and distract ourselves with in our lives, are meaningless in the face of Love.  So, if that’s the case, then why do I choose to distract myself and put so many things in front of Love?  I suspect it’s because I have not practiced Love the way I’ve  practiced so many other habits (many of them completely NOT serving, yet I still indulge myself).

I read the book Julie & Julia a couple of months ago and the movie came out last week.  The author blogged about her experience in cooking every recipe in Julia Childs’  “The Art of Mastering French Cooking” cookbook within a years time.  It was a delicious read.  Julie Powell was so authentically neurotic that I found her completely entertaining as well as, endearing.

That whole “blog-with-a-focus-for-a-year” concept sparked this idea about blogging daily about Love.  All that seems simple enough.

The not so simple part must be something along the lines of……if it were that easy to choose love in most of our moments then why the hell aren’t more people doing it.  Why do people seem madder, more fearful, less patient, and generally crankier than ever?  Hum, must not be
so easy to set aside the myriad of other choices and distractions that most people indulge from birth to death.

Could it be that if more of us cultivated this habit with conscious attention that the balance of light and love in the world would shift?  Could it be that we might find solutions beyond war and polarization and crime and greed and planetary pillage?  Well, as Gandhi says, “Be the change you wish to see”.

So, off I go beginning today, my adventure in looking for love in all the places.  Not just the wrong places, or not when it’s easy, but in ALL the places.  I’m a little scared because I’ve chosen to make myself accountable to this by publicly blogging about it.  I’m quite certain that people will have their opinions and beliefs counter to mine, but that’s ok,  I’m not in this to convince anyone of anything, simply to have an accountable focus for a year, and share my experience.

Whether you check in daily, weekly, monthly or ?  Thanks for coming along, if you get any insights or ideas for yourself that helps usher more Love into the world, please share.

I’ve never “gifted” myself something like this before for my birthday.  Inside, it feels very right and very loving, that’s a good start.

Hello world! August 4, 2009

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